So. I am riding across fourteenth street, and I see a sign that proclaims in very salvation-esque letters, “JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS!” and I start to think, “Well, he really did not do a very good job of it, did he?”
Now, now perhaps I am being rash. Perhaps I am not grasping the context that the wise and venerated painters of the sign originally intended. Let us take this one step at a time:
1. “jeesus died for our sins”= people do not sin anymore.
Uh…. Nope, by the good book’s standards, that happens all the god-damned, neighbor-killin’, wife stealin’ time.
2. “jezus died for our sins”= no one goes to hell anymore.
Damn! Foiled again! Unless you are a proud member of the unmerged universalists (who preached universal salvation before they shacked up with the unitarians to form those zany UUs), if you are christian, even in this modern era, you probably believe that somebody somewhere still goes to hell.
3. “jebus died for our sins”= people who lived before jessus were saved.
Well… that is great for them… I guess… but is it really that compelling to get up on a ladder and by plastering paint on the side of an abandoned building inform people that “two thousand years ago god, in his almighty wisdom, gave his only son to die for the sins of those that came before, and that everyone afterwards is officially on tough luck, hope you enjoy hell, you sorry bastards, sincerely, the lord”? I think not. And even if it were, that really would not be for “our” sins but “their” sins. Perhaps they should start making signs that say, “JEESUS DIED FOR THEIR SINS!”. I like this better because it kind of adds a sense of mystique. Who are they? What did they do? If I sin in the same way can I expect somebody to die for my sins?
So, to recap, god made the “ultimate sacrifice” (because, although he is omnipotent, he is unfortunately incredibly lazy and can only make one jeezuz) and sent his “only” son to die on that cross, and subsequently die for our sins. Sounds pretty good, right? BUT WAIT! What is THIS?! I, through tireless archaeological research, have discovered the bible’s FINE PRINT!!! (visible only if you look really, really hard through the bottom of a smirnoff ice bottle)
ARTICLE III, SUBSECTION F
The creating party (hereby referred to as “THE LORD”) assumes no responsibility for sin carried out before or after death of son. Furthermore, death of son does not indemnify or guarantee that members of entire world, (hereby referred to as “THE ACCUSED”) will not go directly to hell immediately following termination of life.
FURTHERMORE “THE LORD” must offer no inclination of what action constitutes an eternity of hellfire for “THE ACCUSED”
HOWEVER “THE ACCUSED” are encouraged to loosely interpret death of son in any way which is profitable and beneficial to “THE LORD” and all his affiliates